Monday, November 7, 2011

that's my philosophy

There is dust in every corner of our home and our table is full of clutter. The shower must be cleaned and there are clothes to be hung. I need to run to the post office and make a quick stop at Target.

These thoughts casually pass through my mind as I hold my peaceful baby, kissing his chubby cheeks. I keep ignoring them. My son will only be a baby for so long. If I could bottle this up and save it forever, I would. In a heartbeat.

Instead, I sit and bask in these moments,




remembering the things that actually matter.

This is a great little poem that someone gave me while I was 9 months pregnant.

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Forever Young

I don't have many words today. I just want to remember this moment.

"May you stay forever young." -Bob Dylan

Saturday, November 5, 2011

don't cry over spilled milk?

It's November 6. A windy day. The sun is shining; I can hear the crisp leaves blowing down the street. I am inside my warm home, nursing my baby. He is composed, peaceful. He feels secure.

In the back of my mind I am reminded that things will be changing soon. I will be going back to work in December. I know that I need a job. I need to help support our family, but it doesn't feel right.
It isn't natural.

Yesterday it hit me. I walked in the kitchen and found the tiny 5 oz bottle of liquid gold sitting in the sink. I picked it up (manual pump still attached) to examine it. I noticed that 1 of the 2 ounces of milk that I worked so hard to pump, was missing.

I was upset.

I opened the refrigerator and saw it spilled all over the top shelf. My precious milk was laying there, wasted, between a jar of red pasta sauce and a leftover container of plain angel hair pasta. I felt devastated. I had left it in there until it was time to pump again. It takes my body quite sometime to get 5 oz of milk while still feeding Silas.


Going back to work worries me.

I hate the thought of my son getting his nourishment through a man-made piece of plastic rather than his mama's warm, familiar body. Nursing not only provides nourishment, but it provides the feeling of love, safety, comfort, and ease. I will be denying my sweet baby boy of those so very important feelings. How can I get over that?

What if I can not provide enough milk?

Scratch that.

I will provide enough milk. I will do every thing in my power to make sure that happens.

It is funny how once you cross over to the "mama side" your priorities change dramatically. You aren't just in it for you anymore. A whole new dependent, valuable life has been added to the mix. You see the world differently. New challenges are added.

I will jump one hurdle at a time.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

the birth 9.26.11

It all began at 1:00 a.m. on a Monday morning.

I woke up to what felt like strong, achy menstrual cramps in my lower abdomen. I knew right away that it was really happening. Naturally, I walked to the bathroom and rested on the toilet; it was the most comfortable place to be while having contractions during my early labor.

After about 4 contractions that were 5 minutes apart, I woke up Jordan and told him "I think I am in labor, we are going to have a baby soon." He didn't pay too much attention and fell back asleep. I don't think he believed it was true. I mean, it can't really be happening. Can it?

I went back to the bathroom for about the 5th time and noticed that I lost part of my mucus plug. I sat and calmly pondered whether or not to call Linsey, our midwife. I have never done this before and had no idea how fast things would move.

Around 3:00 a.m. my contractions progressed to 3 minutes apart. I walked back into our bedroom and told Jordan it was time to set up the birthing pool. He groggily replied "I will do it in the morning." "It could be too late by then, things are moving fast. I just called Linsey to come over!" I replied. He was shocked - I actually made the call! Shit was about to go down.

While Jordan was setting up the pool I text-ed my sister-in-law, Tori, to come over and bring a big box of strawberry jello mix with her. For some reason I was really craving homemade jello that was just a little bit watery. She was on her way. Not too long after, I hear Jordan call out from the bedroom, "we have a bit of a problem.....the air pump only adapts to a car outlet." Oh, that's a bummer I thought as I imagined him blowing it up by mouth. Luckily he remembered what we learned in our amazing birth class, Naturally Prepared - blow it up with the shop vac! It worked like a charm; it took less that 10 minutes!

Once we had the pool blown up and in the process of being filled with water, Linsey arrived. I felt relief. I was comfortable knowing that if I had to push, I was free to do so. I was progressing so fast that I actually thought I would feel the urge before she got there.

I loved having Linsey as my midwife because she trusted me and my body and just let me do my thing. Linsey was just a fly on the wall. If I needed her she was there, but the majority of the time she just hung back and let me labor.

During contractions, I leaned on my bed and swayed back and forth. The time in between, I laid down to get rest.

a little rest

When Tori arrived, we stood in my dim hallway and chatted for a moment. As we were talking, I kept getting this gagging feeling in my throat. I didn't feel sick; I felt the need to get the Mexican dinner out of my body. I excused myself and went to throw up. Sweet Linsey came into the bathroom and sat with me. She smiled and told me this was a great sign. I never thought throwing up could feel so good; it felt AMAZING! Just what I needed.

By this time it was about 5:00 a.m. - 6:00 a.m. and my contractions had gotten further apart. Around 7:00 a.m. I text-ed my mom to tell her I was in labor. I waited for my next contraction to pass, so I could call into work. (My boss later said, "you sounded so happy on the message, I thought there was no way you were in labor!")

The sun was peeking through the blinds in my bedroom as I tried getting in the pool. It was too hot to relax. I got out and asked Linsey if she could check how dilated I was. She said she would, but didn't want me to get discouraged if it wasn't what I imagined. I sat on the end of my bed and Linsey checked my cervix. I am so thankful that isn't one of her routines, just not a big fan.... I was a 7! That was perfect in my book!

waiting for Silas

Linsey told me there was a small lip of the cervix toward the front that still needs to move so she suggested I get on all 4s and lean over the ball. That was the worst contraction EVER so I quickly changed positions.

Very soon after that I got back in the pool. The warm water really helped to relieve most of the pain and take the pressure off my big contracting belly. I just leaned over the side, so relaxed as Jordan offered me sips of water and bites of strawberry. I accepted both : )

early morning active labor

At 9:45ish, it was pushing time! Every time my body contracted, I would automatically push! Such an amazing reflex.

That went on for about 2o minutes. Linsey decided to check me again to make sure the lip of cervix was out of the way. It wasn't. She asked me if I could try not to push (she didn't want my cervix to swell), but it was absolutely impossible. My body was just doing it, an uncontrollable reflex. Then she asked if I wanted her to go in and move the small lip out of the way during my next contraction. Of course I said yes! I was so happy that was a possibility!

She went in and moved it out of the way and I kept on pushin'.

Soon, we could see the head. I reached down to feel it and to my surprise, he had HAIR! That made me so happy. I just wanted to meet him and hold him in my arms! The moment was getting closer and closer and I couldn't wait.

I asked if there was a different position I could be in that would make it hurt a little less because his crowning head was really making it burn at the top of my inner labia. Linsey suggested I move forward and get on all 4s. This really helped to open the passage.

When the next contraction came I pushed so strongly that his whole head came out. I yelled "f*****g ring of fire!!" as I about jumped out of my skin, then relaxed and waited for the next contraction.

I had no idea that his head was actually out until Linsey quietly whispered it to me. She calmly told me that his entire body will be out after the next contraction. In my mind I was SO excited to finally hold the little guy, but on the outside I was focused and ready to push the boy out.

At 10:30 am the last contraction came. I took in a big breath and quietly pushed the rest of his slippery 7lb. 15oz. body out. Linsey told me to reach under and grab my baby, and I did! I was holding my little bean, my little blue peanut! My sweet, sweet, amazing baby. I was holding the little guy who was inside of me less than a minute ago.
I was actually holding MY SON!!!

I remember looking down and instantly falling in love. I could not take my eyes off that sweet wrinkled up face.


Words can not describe this moment. The moment mama meets her baby. Just pure ecstasy.

My world had been rocked so hard; it will never be the same.


I learned a great lesson on this day.

Trust in yourself. Trust your body and your intuition. If you do, you can't go wrong.

Jordan and I knew from the very beginning that Homebirth was the best option for our baby and myself. I am so happy we listened to our intuition. I truly believe that our Homebirth set me up to be the best mother I can possibly be and I am thankful for that.

All things are possible, just believe in yourself!

YOU are amazing. I am amazing.

Oh, what the human body is capable of.